your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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