I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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