do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
