He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Green mimosas i think yes
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
