this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
