so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
