he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
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