She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
How drunk are you?
Completed.
Randomize
