cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
