and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
