He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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