i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
