Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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