you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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