please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
