so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
