How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
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