..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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