I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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