dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
