me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
