I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
