just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
