if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Randomize
