mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
