I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
