The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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