i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
