11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
