Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Randomize
