Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I love you. Go after that dick
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