This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
i would punch a child for taco bell
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
this is an emotional support booty call
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Randomize
