Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Randomize
