Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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