i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Randomize
