Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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