just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Randomize
