Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
