I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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