Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
