We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
