i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Why can't burritos get me drunk
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
