Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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