just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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