census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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