Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
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