I wish my penis had an off switch
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
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