never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
