I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
