eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I would ride that face into the sunset
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
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