never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I need moral support for this bender
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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